God's Gentle Nudges

The longer I live the more I realize that "my life is not my own". I laugh how naive I was in my late teens early 20's thinking about how I would conquer the world. The quiet naive young woman in me was determined and capable. As a small town girl I had grown up with a strong work ethic and was capable in my own right in many ways. I had hopes, dreams and ambitions for myself. After all, I had everything going for me.

I have had many gentle nudges from people and God over the years. I saw them as calculated ways of controlling my destiny. A bit later I called them the "white picket fence" phenomenon. The next stage in life I called it a force of ambition and drive. These nudges over the years were subtle and had a tendency to keep me on course, to help me mature in my thinking, to help me realize there is a God. When I was still enough to be aware of these nudges, I sensed a calm and peace from within. I continued to be rewarded and ambitions became realities. Time passed and good came to my life. But something continued to feel empty and unfulfilled. The most important nudge of my life was beginning to happen and I was to busy to respond.

As I started to question this emptiness, God's gentle nudge became more defined. I began to realize the "white picket fence" phenomenon and my ambitions were an illusion, a safety net that I had created in my mind to feel safe and in control. I realized that it was easy for me to have a faith of convenience listening and responding when I wanted to. Deciding when or if to give of my gifts. After all, I had done pretty well all by myself.

It was then I learned the true meaning of obedience. My life was dismantled piece by piece. My confidence and success turned to brokenness and unrest. The more I resisted, the more God's gentle nudge felt like a twinge and ultimately like a two-by-four between the eyes.

It was time for me to realize the life that was in me was never my own but a gift that I neither earned or deserved. It became apparent to me that He had decided my time of safety and control needed to be aggressively rousted. I had grown comfortable being selfish of the my gifts and selective of the calls I was willing to answer. As I look back on these times, I also realize God had tremendous patience and a witty sense of humor with me. It took years for me to learn there truly is a difference between our ambitions for our lives and His call for our lives.

These days I'm getting wiser about control issues and ironically, God sends me some of my most important calls at some of the most inconvenient times. The good news is I'm not distracted by my ambitions anymore. I've learned achieving my ambitions have brought me joy at times but answering my calls have changed my life.